Untitled

i used to think im a free spirit
im not constrained by rigid plans of the future
limited by absolutes
nor intimidated by risks and uncertainties.

but im not so sure any more.
i prided myself on being flexible and versatile
but explode when things don't go my way.

how i see myself is not exactly what i really am.
i claim to be spontaneous but i always have a to do list.
i love surprises but can't tolerate unexpected guests.

i feel like there's a totally different me in written form
another when talked about and a completely alien one in reality.

But is real really real? Or like most things reality is relative?
And what is the point of reference when talking about what's real?

Take for example a pack of potato chips. The taste is different
when eaten alone and when shared. Or maybe it's just me who thinks so.
I can go on and on but I doubt if I can come up with a satisfactory
conclusion.

Might as well let it rest.

Again

She was rushing for cover from the unexpected downpour. Her clothes were wet and her hair was in disarray. She was carefully setting her feet one by one on the slippery tiles when something from her right caused her to raise her eyes. And there she saw the person she buried at the back of her mind. The one she had learned to forget. It took her mind a few seconds to recognize what her heart instantly remembered.

Dressed in crisp white and black tie, he came towards her without seeing her. Her mouth called out his name in disbelief. It's like something sprang open inside him and he looked at her blinked and said her name twice. The first came off like a gasp as if to ask himself if it truly was her. The second was bolder and with more conviction.

She clasped his hand with both of hers. Unmindful of the people around her and her disheveled appearance, she drew him close and told him how much she missed him. It turned out they were working just across each other all these years. But it was all over in an instant leaving her to wonder if she indeed saw him.

Thoughts raced through her mind and memories flooded her vision. All the wonderful things she boxed inside suddenly broke free. It seems like only yesterday she was yelling at him to catch the ball. Two days ago he let her copy his homework. A week ago she gave him a letter just because she felt like writing one. Two weeks ago she walked barefoot from the gym to the classroom because he failed to lead their team to victory. A month ago she and her best friend stayed overnight at his house to work on a project. Two months ago he made a scene in the library with his earphones on. A year ago she accidentally...she'd rather keep it in the box. A year and a half ago he told her she loved her, but she later found out he told everybody that. Two years ago he was scribbling a note she forced him to write. Two and a half years ago he taught her how to dance boogie. Three years ago he pushed her to another man which made her protest violently. Four years ago she moved her seat to get a better view of his face. Five

Christmases ago he eagerly waited for her to open her presents from him. He grinned when he saw how ridiculously happy she was. Six, seven and eight. She realized it's been a decade since the first time they met.

Years may have passed but for her, there still remains that something which never fails to captivate her. And so for the nth time, she fell.

Biking At Midnight

Whew....two months after my maiden voyage along the streets of ortigas, i was finally able to venture out to the unchartered streets of san miguel, pearl and escriva. After I blew the rear tire of my so-called bike a couple of months ago I was forced to go on foot again along my favorite streets.

What a wonderful feeling! It's so relaxing after a stressfull 12-hour shift. Biking along the road at 12 midnight and at a one way street at that could surely turn heads and raise brows.

I didn't care. I was so happy. I even got a glimpse of the concert of Sugarfree.

Highlights: going the opposite way on a one-way street(i really forgot it was a one-way street), using Jollibee's CR w/o buying anything, Sugarfree (Free COncert), driving along San Miguel with cars alongside, driving up the Tektite cobbled walk.

I didn't carry any valuables with me even coins..I didn't have a pocket. And in case I encounter some HUers they wont get anything from me..too bad I didn't have a camera with me.

I was just wondering if it would be a lot better if I had someone with me.

Wht do you think? Care to join me?

(image: just after my trip)

ENERGETIC DOER: Do you think this describes me?

i took the test from the link (see left side) and got these results. What do you think?

Energetic Doers are cheerful and spontaneous persons. They are charming and full of energy and real persons of action. They keep a clear head and the overview even in difficult situations. This makes them popular problem solvers. Their ability of being able to absorb and process information is phenomenal. Energetic Doers also have strong powers of observation and a keen sense when dealing with other people. They are very perceptive, witty and clever. They have a natural ability of convincing others of their point of view. Energetic Doers live completely in the here and now and make spontaneous decisions from one moment to the next. They love being together with other people and are sensuous, lively and amusing conversationalists. It is no problem for them to be the effervescent centre of attention at a party and they are generous, skilful and good hosts. They do not brood over consequences for long; they quickly grasp all the relevant facts, make a pragmatic decision and enforce that decision vigorously. Should a decision later turn out to have been wrong, one can always make new plans.Energetic Doers magically attract fun and action. They need the kick - as far as possible with other people. Many representatives of this type have dangerous hobbies or go in for extreme sports. They quite consciously put themselves in dangerous situations again and again. At work too, Energetic Doers seek fun and variety above all. They are bored to death by routine, safety and calculability. Crises are their elixir of life and really bring their strong points to light. They react to new challenges flexibly and effectively. They gain their confidence from their imperturbable self-assuredness that they will be able to cope with them. Energetic Doers prefer practical activities which lead to visible results rather than theoretical fields of work. Endless discussions with colleagues quickly get on their nerves and they do not have the patience for interpersonal niceties. They say how something has to be done and that’s that!Energetic Doers keep their friends in suspense with their wit, esprit and quickness in repartee. They mostly have a large circle of friends and acquaintances but often remain non-committal in their relationships. They expect a great deal of reliability and tolerance from their really good friends but are also willing to give the same to them. However, due to their spontaneous nature, they always remain a little surprising and unpredictable, also for their partners. Energetic Doers need a lot of space and time to themselves; they quickly feel hemmed in if their partners cling too strongly to them. But if you give them plenty of leeway, they are generous, cheerful and extremely imaginative life companions with whom you can have a lot of fun and enjoy life to the full. They do not avoid conflicts but address them openly and sometimes sparks can really fly. But this is typical for Energetic Doers and, afterwards, they are all the more devoted and loving.
Adjectives which describe your type
extroverted, practical, logical, spontaneous, resolved, direct, objective, conscientious, attentive, likes taking risks, cheerful, impulsive, optimistic, sociable, enthusing, full of the joys of life, aggressive, inconsiderate, dynamic, lively, rash, competition-oriented, action-loving, energetic, charming, superior, solution-oriented, adventurous, go-ahead, changeable, outgoing

Today is the Greatest Day

I've been working for more than 15 hours this past two weeks. Just this morning I woke up after sleeping for barely two hours and rushed to the venue of my training. It's one of the trainings I'm conducting. In my haste, I didn't double check my things.. It was too late when I found out my USB was not in my handbag. I didn't mention it to my boss who was with me. I scanned my brain for some plan B. I couldn't think of any. I texted my officemate who I was sure was still sleepin
g to check my table for the USB and to rush it to the venue ASAP.
I refused to panic and prayed hard for grace under this pressure. I asked for prayers from my DGroup. I decided to rearraange the schedule for the day just in case my officemate would arrive to save my day. I looked forward to some amazing way God would use to deliver me from my predicament.
Sure enough! He did! My boss brought an external HD with him which happened to contain a backup of my old files!! Not all the files I needed for the training were there BUT the most important one I needed was there-complete! But the pictures my Boss wanted to show my trainees weren't there. hahahaha...that External HD easn't there by acident or mistake..
The other powerpoints I needed which were in the USB weren't really necessary because I was able to prepare Handouts for them. I was able to recycle a Manila Paper where the last ppt I needed was written bby the last batch of trainees..
So how about that?
How great do you think my God is? hahhaah
That's why whenever I have this seemingly unlucky day, I call it the greatest day in history because it's one opportunity for my GOd to show His greatness in ways I could never even imagine.


"I will be still, know You are God."

"I Will Praise You in the Storm"

I thank You still in spite of this storm. I am happy because I believe I am a threat to the enemy that's why I am having difficulties right now. But just like what I have committed to do I stand true to my promise. "When times get tough, and I get tired, I won't back up, back off, back down, back out, or backslide. I'll just keep moving forward by God's grace. I'm Spirit-led, purpose-driven and mission-focused, so I cannot be bought, I will not be compromised, and I shall not quit until I finish the race."

"However, whenever, wherever, and whatever You ask me to do, my answer in advance is yes! Wherever You lead and whatever the cost, I'm ready. Anytime. Anywhere. Anyway. Whatever it takes Lord; whatever it takes!"

(from Rick Warren's A Call to Radical Commitment)

I love You!

Psalm 23 Moment

I'm sorry if my initial reaction was to shrink from it...hahaha...How could I have forgotten how great You are..Thank You that although this task may seem frightening, You have promised to be with me. How funny that I even bothered to think of a few persons to help me out when there's You.
I am excited how You'd reveal Yourself to me again in this my nth Psalm 23 moment. I can sleep tonight secure because of You. Even before I ask for it I know Your answer is on its way so I really thank YOu in advance. I put my trust in YOu alone. No one can protect me better than YOu.
I'm stepping down the driver's seat of my life.. Take the wheel please, it's all YOurs.

Love You.

"these things i'll never say"

you always see me as you wish but never even bother to look into the rest.
you see all the nice things and say all the great things but never really saw what's real.
i sailed beside you through your quest but halfway through i left. you never seem to sense my presence. so my absence will make no difference.

i tried to see the best in you and overlooked the flaws. i forgave your shortcomings and believed you without a doubt. i gave my trust along with my heart but you didn't even lift a finger.
i took my heart back and pocketed my trust. seems you didn't want them so i might as well step back.

so now alone with my thoughts i bare my heart certain that noone would see but me.
when you looked my way, i melted.
when you talked to me, i floated.
when you smiled at me, i died.
you only have to call me once, and i'll be there at once.
my heart was willing but my mind was battling.
but in the end you made your choice and with my heart you took my voice.

so my heart remains with you but these feelings will stay with me
because they will remain as thoughts
for these things i'll never say.

delayed gratification (shsh!)

kabuangan!! i used to want to have everything pronto! not realizing that i am depriving myself of the sweet reward patience offers. take for example my sister. I always find her waiting and just accepting things as they are. I saw it as a weakness and an unnecessary act of martyrdom. But the moment her requests are granted, Man! it's soooooooo amazing that i almost convinced myself to do what she does.

But one thing im very sure about myself is my hard-headedness. I am so stubborn. The type that will make you want to do crazy things like eat your hair or bang your head against the wall. I can say no without batting an eyelash. You can talk til the brick walls cry but i can remain unmoved. That's why HE decided to teach me a lesson BIG time.

It took 2 Major lessons in the school of life and several electives and crash courses to make me realize how wrong i was. Those two major lessons almost destroyed me but I chose not to be destroyed. (I told you I was hard headed right) hmmmm..Am I making any sense? Well anyway going back to my post's title..delayed gratification..I'm finally taking baby steps toward the mastery of this art. I am now experiencing the first fruits of my garden of mistakes that miraculously yielded good tasting results. I appreciate the end of a story that I've painstakingly woven under HIs guidance. I have learned patience..I used to tell myself that "Patience is a virtue..I don't have."

It's amazing how He can make a masterpiece out of the mess I've created for myself. I have yet to learn how to soften my HARD ROCK head..ROCK HARD whatever..but i'm enjoying myself in this school. I don't want to graduate yet.

So dear, have patience with me..I'm still a work in progress.
:)

Those eyes of love

You alone knew me from the start
I show not what I really am but still You know
I say things I don't mean and do things less than what
I want them to be but You understand.

Tears I've cried and the pain I hid in silence
You take them away
The lies I wrapped around my scars, You gently remove
But I clung to my sadness thinking no one understands

My outside appearance, a facade of smiles
You break through my walls of pretence
Your eyes of love
Pierce me from the inside out.

Kimpit (clothespin)

Reading about the current economic crisis the world is experiencing and hearing about it on a daily basis from my boss brought me back to a little more than a decade ago when my family felt a fraction of what the world is experiencing now....Well, not really my whole family,at least my brother.

He was admitted to a local hospital at that time and was under observation for pneumonia...While lying there on the hospital bed, he complained that he's having a terrible stomachache. The doctor immediately ordered an x-ray to be done. When the results came, the doctor was a little alarmed. He said there's something in my brother's stomach that he couldn't identify. He wants to have another x-ray just to be sure in case that foreign object is still present, then he might have to operate. During this declaration from the doctor, my brother was squirmimg uncomfortably. Unknown to my parents and the doctor, he was silently debating with himself. To tell or not to tell. He's almost sure what the foreign object was.

Finally, the fear of being cut open for nothing won over the unbearable shame he was sure would be his once he admits what he suspects the foreign object was. My brother mustered all his courage and begged the doctor not ot cut him open. The doctor assured him that it would be for his own good...He was dumbfounded when my brother pulled out a long object from his underpants and handed it to him. It was a handmade bamboo clothespin. My brother, whose underpants (the ones with good elastic) are with the laundry woman had no choice but to use his old ones. The shortage of underpants drove him to make use of what was at hand. He used the handy bamboo clothespin to fasten his loose underpants. Since I wasn't really there, I can't tell more of what happened after that revelation.

What I can tell you is that my brother sure learned his lesson. One, is to save a panty for a rainy day. Two, honesty is stilll the best policy.

The Pretty Side of Ugly

In posting pictures, most of us choose the ones where we look our best. I wonder why? I beg to differ. So here goes my "unBEST" with my brother who is equally as uncaring as to how he would look..In case you're wondering, I got his permission to post this. Hope you enjoy it.

BOOKS and WORMS

Growing up in a family with conservative ideas and relatively strict parental guidance, I never really got acquainted with the TV until my late teens. In a family where swearing is a taboo, TV is off limits, going out of the house is a nono, afternoon siesta is a must, touching the other person when saying sorry even if you don't want to is mandatory,...you get the picture. Almost everything that a child could enjoy was prohibited or if allowed, only for a limited time. I saw my mom as a killjoy when I was young..My six siblings and I found ways instead to amuse ourselves.

Adventures were endless. But that's another story. It was in this kind of environment in my first decade on earth that I fell in love-with books. I spent hours alone in the old library of our school which nobody visits. No cards were required, no maximum books..in short I had accesss to any book I wanted in that old library. It became my sanctuary. Books ranged from biographies of people like Louisa May Alcott, Pocahontas, Jane Adams to other hard bound books..It didn't matter to me that those books were too heavy and were printed in small font and that the English is a little different. I thought every ten year old reads like I did back then. i was surprised when my classmates called me a liar when I casually told them I read this and that. My adviser even told me that it's not good to tell a lie. BUT I wasn't.

I found my ally at home when my oldest brother announced that his school awarded him with cash for borrowing the most number of books in the entire university. I was not the only bookworm. If I am a booklover my brother is even more so. His school has the biggest library (Henry Luce Library @ Silliman). It made me feel a lot better. At school I sometimes have to pretend I enjoy books for 10-year-olds which I felt have too few pages to be enjoyable. I secretly visit the old library but when my best friend starts looking for me I hurriedly mark the page and play with her. Going to school gave me something to look forward to..finishing another book.

Of hopes and Daydreams

I went home dizzy with the conflicting emotions your silence has caused. I walked on the familiar trail of my emotional rollercoaster. The all too familiar sense of false security and euphoria. I rode on until the next drop. I'm not sure if all the excitement is worth the nausea I experience in the aftermath of its fleeting glory. I think I'll pass the next round. I have long been bound to this cycle of ups and downs that after years of lingering I still find myself on the same spot I was on ten years ago. But the time for me to finally go has come. I refuse to look back and and hold on to this daydream. I am letting you go along without regrets. I won't take a second look at you and risk getting into the trap once again. I've had more than enough share of broken dreams. That's why I'm leaving them all behind.
I told You I will still love You no matter what the outcome of this journey might be. I've let go of my dreams and chose instead to look up to You in faith. Just hold me in Your hands and I'll be fine. I place my hope of a final ride with You. You test if my word was final.. Im sorry if I hurt You by glancing once in a while at the debris my daydreams left behind. I won't wallow in my loss but instead I'll stand up and look only to You.

The end of my trip is fast approaching. Help me use the time I have left for the greatest purpose.

I love You

falling

weary from a seemingly endless quest for nothing, I sat down to breathe. But there was nothing to sit on and I fell..Down to the murky shadows of my thoughts. I struggled to rise from its depths. i stretched forth my arms to hold on to anything. But there was nothing. I closed my eyes and waited for the end but it didn't come. I opened my eyes, and saw you. you held out your hand but I was too proud to take it. you smiled and held me tight. your warmth melted the cold. and once again, I fell.